Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
