I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Randomize
