i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
