Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
