I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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