my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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