I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
