"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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