Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
