I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
