he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
