you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
