I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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