A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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