sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
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I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
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Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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