i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
