the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
