Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
