If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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