your parents love me but you hate me
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
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so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
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