You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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