so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
