yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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