I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
