he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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