I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I smell stomach acid.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
