omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
