I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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