i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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