worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
