hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
