She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
