So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
