Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
