I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
