Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
