You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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