i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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