i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
