hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
