I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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