a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
He kissed a someone with a penis
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Randomize
