I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
