I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
