He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I fill condoms, not promises.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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