batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
