After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
