Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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