We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Randomize
