1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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