can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
